I can clearly remember my first journal… it was pink (obviously) with a lock on the side, keeping my fifth-grade secrets safe inside. I poured my heart out in there and continued to journal on and off through high school (boys! drama! shenanigans!) and later through college and my 20s (oh, the heartache of young love). And, though I’d be mortified if anyone ever read them – I’m not sure even I could read them without blushing – I wouldn’t un-write a single word. Those pages hold my story.
Those journals also helped me through some tough times. It’s therapeutic to put pen to paper, writing as frantically as the mind races.
Lately, my mind’s been racing a lot… one crazy thought swirling into the next… what if… and then… no… omg… oh, ok… yep… that’s ok… you’re ok. So, after a long hiatus, I picked up a new journal and started scribbling, doing some serious soul searching, trying to sort it all out, that third life crisis, before it completely breaks me.
And, I won’t lie, it’s been close. And, it’s been incredibly hard and sad and filled with tears and fights and unhappiness… you know, the stuff you don’t see behind all the shiny happy instagram photos or the blog posts about PRs.
But, after months of talking and talking and talking about how shitty it is – easily masked by that big ironman distraction – I am finally(!) doing something about it. And, it feels good.
I’ve had a lot of time the past few weeks to reflect, writing until my hand hurt, sorting through my shit in a pretty poppin journal. I knew for months, deep in my bones, change was a must, but up until now, it was so overwhelming that it was almost paralyzing. Hell, it’s still overwhelming, but the alternative – living an unfulfilled life – is even more terrifying.
And, although I don’t have all the answers (yet), I am taking the necessary steps toward finding and having a fulfilling life.
Sure, this is a crack, a crevice maybe, but we all have cracks. They’re what make us human, what make us us, what make us amazing.
There are cracks in everything, that’s how the light gets in. –Leonard Cohen
I’m embracing that crack… bright white light flowing in…