I can clearly remember my first journal… it was pink (obviously) with a lock on the side, keeping my fifth-grade secrets safe inside. I poured my heart out in there and continued to journal on and off through high school (boys! drama! shenanigans!) and later through college and my 20s (oh, the heartache of young love). And, though I’d be mortified if anyone ever read them – I’m not sure even I could read them without blushing – I wouldn’t un-write a single word. Those pages hold my story.
Those journals also helped me through some tough times. It’s therapeutic to put pen to paper, writing as frantically as the mind races.
Lately, my mind’s been racing a lot… one crazy thought swirling into the next… what if… and then… no… omg… oh, ok… yep… that’s ok… you’re ok. So, after a long hiatus, I picked up a new journal and started scribbling, doing some serious soul searching, trying to sort it all out, that third life crisis, before it completely breaks me.
And, I won’t lie, it’s been close. And, it’s been incredibly hard and sad and filled with tears and fights and unhappiness… you know, the stuff you don’t see behind all the shiny happy instagram photos or the blog posts about PRs.
But, after months of talking and talking and talking about how shitty it is – easily masked by that big ironman distraction – I am finally(!) doing something about it. And, it feels good.
I’ve had a lot of time the past few weeks to reflect, writing until my hand hurt, sorting through my shit in a pretty poppin journal. I knew for months, deep in my bones, change was a must, but up until now, it was so overwhelming that it was almost paralyzing. Hell, it’s still overwhelming, but the alternative – living an unfulfilled life – is even more terrifying.
And, although I don’t have all the answers (yet), I am taking the necessary steps toward finding and having a fulfilling life.
Sure, this is a crack, a crevice maybe, but we all have cracks. They’re what make us human, what make us us, what make us amazing.
There are cracks in everything, that’s how the light gets in. –Leonard Cohen
I’m embracing that crack… bright white light flowing in…
22 Comments
I love you for your courage and bravery in posting this. You inspire my soul searching, and my return to journaling (which feels GOOD) and I truly value your friendship and mentorship for ironman! xo
I’m right with you there right now. And while most of the time this whole “soul searching” thing is one of the hardest things I have ever done, I still believe it’s going to be one of the most important. Good luck in your journey =).
You are exactly right, Logan… it’s one of the most important, if not the most important, journey! Uncertainty and vulnerability are hard, but I think it’s also where the magic happens, where we’re really LIVING. Best of luck on your journey, too (to CO, right?) 🙂 I’ll be following along!
I love you. Your writing, your style, your truth, your wisdom, your strength, your courage, YOU. ALL of you. Change is hard. And yes, as you said, overwhelming. But yet it is also so freeing. It makes us so much stronger. Wiser. Deeper. Happier. So much, oh, I don’t know. It makes us everything. It makes us, us. You are a brave soul and a go-getter, erin klegstad, always have been, always will be. And that’s another reason I love you. Listen to your heart. It’s amazing what happens when we do! I can’t wait to hear what the world has in store for you in the future!
I can attest to feeling shitty, soul-searching and making changes: it’s how I became a better teacher, a better friend to my husband, a better person, a different person. It’s tough – change is so hard! – but it’s worth it. Looking forward to reading about and seeing your journey friend.
Btw so true about the image race recaps and IG feeds portray!
Whatever you’re going through sounds tough. It does help to get it out-talking with friends, family, and putting it down on paper is very therapeutic. I do hope you find some peace and clarity soon.
I hope you find whatever it is that makes that soul of yours smile. You truly deserve it, Erin. I have no doubt that life will take you where you need to be, it just may take time.
Gosh, wish I could join you for a cocktail, share some words, and hear your story ☺ Hugs.
I am intrigued and cannot wait to learn more about your adventure. I am so happy to hear that you are taking steps to find what will truly fulfill your life. I have been searching for this, too. I know I’m close!! I don’t remember where I heard it, but I love the saying, “living begins at the end of your comfort zone” I’m taking that saying and running with it.
Love your realness. Thank you for that! Can’t wait to see what is to come for you…..I know it’s gonna be good stuff.
I’ve always loved that Cohen quote. I was a compulsive journaler, too. “Those who journal in youth blog in adulthood?” 😉 Excited to hear where all the searching lands you. This is the good stuff!
I too am having a 3rd (maybe this is a 4th) life crisis and trying to do some deep soul searching. Do I want to keep trying to mold the minds of the future (especially when most don’t seem to care)? Do I want to branch out and try something new? Something I’m more passionate about? How long do I want to keep following the path I’m currently on? How long can I?
Needless to say…I too am doing some soul searching. I hope you find the deep rooted smile that causes your soul to shine 😉
I have never really been a writer or someone who journals but I have logged every work out on paper since 2007. Sometimes I go back to look at a pace/work-out/milage whatever and I will come across “I am so not the badass I wish I was!” Even as an adult I hope nobody ever reads them!! 🙂
I am glad that you are soul-searching and I am sure it will turn into the best adventure of your life!! Good luck and I can’t wait to see what the future holds!
This post literally brought me to tears. I have been in this exact same position for almost a year. Unhappy and seeking the source. I tried fixing it with things that didn’t matter and shockingly it didn’t help. I had to dig deep and figure out the source of my feelings and let go of things that I thought were my dreams. It’s been hard and after making REALLY difficult choices things were hard, really hard. I felt a drift without an anchor, and it was scary. I took some time, figured out what I really wanted and started working towards it. It feels really good to be on a new path with out all the toxic baggage. This change in my life (career, life path) is still scary and hard but I know I will get there.
I hope this time leads to something giant and beautiful. Sending you as much love as possible!
I hope you find what you are looking for 🙂 Being vulnerable is hard and scary. But sometimes allowing yourself to open up will let so much good in 🙂 When I was going through some hard things many years ago. I finally came to peace with “sometimes you need to sit in the dark for a little bit, before you can see the light”. Things will happen.. The hard thing is waiting 🙂 xoxo friend
Love that you’ve journalled throughout so much of your life, and that you’ve picked it up again now.
True soul-searching is never easy (if it was there would be a lot more truly happy people out there!). It certainly is brave to face it head on and find the answers. i know you’ll get there. And when you do, imagine how amazing it will be?! And all that you’ll learn throughout the journey.
Hope you’re doing ok. And can’t wait to see where this road takes you! Sending you lots of love.
I remember when my brother and our neighbor read my first journal. Did you know that lock could be broken with a bobby pin?! The things that seem so important in 5th grade : )
So glad that you are working through everything and finding your way!
I remember last year when I knew that change was needed but wasnt sure how to start…every day was a step in the right direction although I didn’t know it at the time. Hang in there and keep smiling (and posting those pics). Enjoy this special season and lean on your family and friends! 2015 holds amazing things for you…I am sure!
I too, journalled all through childhood and college… during my adventures studying abroad even! Somehow after college, I forgot about journalling and stopped writing my thoughts. I find that blogging is now a great way for me to get thoughts out, but I would love to start journal-ling privately again. Perhaps this would also help my third life crisis too? Presented with the news last week that company is getting bought out, it is forcing me to really THINK about what I want to do. Layoffs are on the horizon and there is no better time than now to figure this all out. And we both know there are better things than working in a cube! I look forward to seeing where this new journey takes you… right there with you sister… you aren’t alone… xo
Keep digging and stay strong you are so not alone in your journey to greatness! One of the blogs I follow had a I think, relevant quote 🙂 https://roadtoa100.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/img_0806.jpg
Yes! I love how raw this is. Thank you for sharing! We all have dark days behind the happy instagram photos and what not, but it’s part of being human! You are inspiring, loving, and beautiful in every way! Keep being you!
Love, love, LOVE this post. I appreciate your honesty so much. <3
I love journalling. I did it all through my youth and it was a great release from tough times in middle school. I know exactly where you are, I think many of us “hyper motivated, driven to succeed no matter what it takes” type A triathletes put so much pressure on ourselves that we forget that life is a journey. In a lot of ways, my blog is now my journal, although I don’t share all of the unpleasant details. I’m sorry you have had a rough go of it lately, but I think you are an amazingly positive person and incredibly inspiring. xoxo
[…] If I had to pick one word to wrap up 2014, it would be stuck. Don’t get me wrong; there were some really great things about last year… my niece (because she reminds me to be joyful and appreciate the little wonders), my family, Nick, both my offline and online friendships, a fantastic triathlon season, a whole lotta bike love. But, behind so much of that – behind the pretty instagram pics – was this dark cloud of stagnation, second guessing and soul searching. […]